Just as when you think you wanted it is it taken away from you
I was looking through my journal and noticed how funny it is that when you've decided to follow through, somehow a different path is set for you. And the things that you've let go, come back to you.
A few months ago, I was talking with a priest.
I told him I wanted to quit my job and find a flexible schedule to participate in church activities. Plus, I was already having difficulty handling the toxicity at my retail work. I wanted more time to meditate. Visit churches. See people (just greet, no talk) in my walks. These activities have given me some sense of peace and some dopamine from all that exercise.
He said, "No, you don't have to do that. We don't need you here. We need you out there with the formation you've received from us in society, in your home, and in your work."
After our talk, I decided to go all in at work. I decided to stay. Despite the challenges of finding time to do prayer activities, which I'm also encouraged to do so.
A few weeks later, the people I had been working with either quit their jobs or were transferred to a farther branch. The store staff had been reshuffled between five branches.
At first this was a relief. However, I, too, had to suffer the same fate.
I contested, of course.
"Company decision," they said.
Oh well. I'll play. Out of loyalty, or so I thought.
No. I stayed because I loved my patients, the company's customers, more than my own shortcomings.
And then it happened.
While recovering from my accident, I realized that I got what I wanted.
I was out of that job.
As I was getting better, the gas prices soared up that I was more convinced to walk. In my walks, I got to visit some churches. Get through the bayan, and spend more time for prayers in the chapel.
At what cost? Income. Five 2nd-degree burns. A motorcycle that needs repairing.
But I'm alive. And that's what counts. After all, the dead don't get to want things anymore.
I remind myself that there's always something at play here.
While I can only make the best out of the cards that are given to me, I am always at the mercy of the Dealer giving those cards.